A new adventure awaits me in Canada. I got a 1 year contract to work there with a possibility to continue for a longer period. There's less than weeks for me to prepare for this journey.
Flight is set for 9 March though visa is still pending. It's mentally taxing for someone with no prior experience overseas.
My wife, Hida, has been very helpful in pushing me to prepare for the necessities. A part of me is not willing to leave her and our son. However we know that this is probably the best move for me right now.
I'm done with meeting close friends. Though my beloved motorcycle is still an issue. Still trying to find a buyer for it. Worst case scenario is to sell off to a bike shop at a loss.
I'm hoping that this part of my life will make me a better human being.
I'm going to miss studying Arabic with the rest of my family members on Friday nights. I am hopeful that I will find a better teacher in Canada.
It's interesting to see the things that I went through by revisiting my blog. I enjoy writing but I suppose priorities changes and I suppose I felt like keeping things to myself. I no longer read blogs like I used to. Maybe the novelty of it has faded for me.
It's actually the month of Ramadan now. I don't know if this year is a better one from the last. I feel it is not my best as compared to the period when my interest in Islam was ignited.
It's the month of the Quran. I still want to make Quran a very close part of my life. I'm too lazy to even finish this post properly and I guess I'll elaborate on it when I feel like it.
Please allow me to write to my heart's content in this little dusty corner of cyberspace. The caveat from my last entry has only been because of another black hole of my life. Life is tough, nobody said that it will be easy.
I still do not know where exactly where I am heading towards but surely Allah knows what I do not. The world today is becoming more volatile with every single day that passes, yet I am still trying to figure where I sit in the scheme of things. As a daif insan (weak person), I can only seek guidance from Allah.
I've started working at a new place.
I miss my students.
I can be a better son, a better brother, a better student and a better friend. I would say a better husband too but that has yet to happen. Alhamdulillah, I pray that I will be an uncle soon too.
I feel there is some truth in Maslow's hierarchy of needs. (That's how the secular world sees it. I simply call it sunnatullah.) It is by Allah's will that eveythings has its proper place. Concerns and ambitions has their places too. It was easier for me to put the issue of finding a spouse under the rug when I felt that financially I can be a more stable position. However that stability itself is still an illussion; For I cannot escape from anything if Allah decrees it to be so. But I plan and we plan but Allah is the best of planners.
My resolution for this year is to look like this. All I have to do is is to lose 238712888kg, buff up, somehow get quick-healing mutant ability and find a mad scientist to conduct adamantium plating on my bones.
Its a season of celebrations but let's not make ramadan go to waste. I take the momentum of a renewed vigour to scour the lands for a new job. My current contract will expire in less than 3 months. There is an option to extend my contract but I am hoping to move on and finally land a job in my line by then. Working extra hard to finish up my new portfolio site for prospective employers.
I've been commuting to work and back on the MRT. NEL takes me to my workplace pretty fast. Morning city traffic is always best avoided together with those ERP gantries. All week I've been standing in the train and watch with fascination people who have mastered the art of balancing on the train without holding to anything.
Flat feet hurts and my back suffers when I tried emulating the balancing act. I can do it at the expense of comfort. I'll hold on to railings if I could help it. Crowd sucks and I only got to be seated once which was on last Friday, since work dismisses 30 min earlier.
And so I was seated. I caught my own reflection on the glass panel across me. Never did I realize how bad my posture was. My right shoulder drooped much lower than I thought. Having caught myself, I tried to position myself to a better posture.
I've slacked a lot. I thought I've improved quite a fair bit but that was a reminder of how much further I still need to through. Can I ever dare to dream of the dream job. I rejected a more permanent job prospect. I took up the temp job thinking that I can land that dream job by the end of my contract.
Health is important no matter what. I just have to keep working on it. If it means that I get that dream job by the end of my current contract, that is just the cherry on top of the icing. For certain, I cannot keep forsake steady income while chasing the dream for much longer.
Of course, I am grateful for other things in life. Just that, one's job is a huge chunk of one's life.
Options are good. It gives one a false impression that one has control over his life....at least to a certain extent.
I want to have a real taste of working in the animation industry. Nerve issues(the physical type) is still holding me back. Getting better but still not quite there yet. I am better to a point that I've slacked and not doing the recommended exercises. Its the final mile.
Getting too old to make a name in the industry and yet I still have trouble specializing since I love doing quite a range of stuffs.
I want to start a business, but so does everyone else. It seems that this is the only way to redeem myself after an treading on an unorthodox path. I am starting to feel okay at the idea that I only do design/animation for leisure. What matters most is that I find an outlet to contribute to my personal causes.
Malaysia's Les Copaque would be a no.1 choice but they only accept Malaysians... then again, I haven't really tried. I want to polish up my demoreel within these 6 months and give it a shot at sending out an application.
Option 1 is to take a another diploma with WDA subsidy.... work fully on my demoreel while getting paid some money.
Option 2 is to take up the job at CNB, the pay is not maximal as compared to what I can possibly get in my industry... but I am thankful nonetheless that I got it. 6 months temporary position. With the freedom redetermine my future after that.
Option 3 is to wait and take up a better paying job(pending results from interviews) that may take up my leisure time to do other things.
Its not really options since I'm almost certain that I'll take option 2 with the consideration of other things happening.
I thought it was over but I'll be returning to school to complete our FYP. I agree with the lecturers that it would be a waste to leave the animation hanging as it has a lot of potential. I'll continue working on it until I get a job. That sounds like a decent arrangement for now.
Results are out and my paltry GPA has been computed, a reflection of bad decisions I made when faced with adversity. I pulled out way too late. I am however, forever thankful for the moral support of friends who helped me stay in the course of getting my diploma. I had never expected it to have been this hard to get that diploma. The most important thing now is to remember the lessons I've learned from all this. Sadly, I still forget at times.
I'd like to start working immediately but job hunting will be a new chapter of new challenges for me.
I'm available for freelance work. Flash animation, graphic design, poster designs, 3d modeling. Check out www.feer.co.cc. I cannot update the website since the server is down for upgrade but it is still worth checking the site out.
A work in progress of Kuchiki Rukia. Decided to do a digital piece with my left hand for the heck of it.... ended up switching to my right hand for about 50% of the line work. The coloring all done with left hand. Kudos to me. My left hand is becoming more adept in such task. Speed has gone up. Accuracy has gone up.
I am thankful for every limb that I have. Will continue working on this... some work on the upper torso, one eye looks slightly skewed. Add highlights and shadows and I should be done.
Ikigai is a japanese term which means the reason of being. The reason to wake up in the morning for. That purpose that makes living to an old ripe age worth living.
I am in a dire need of redefining my own ikigai. Last Monday, I gave up hoping that I can work in the design/animation line full time in the near future.
Next week will be my final week in polytechnic. I am relieved for that. But that does not eliminate the fact that there are still things to be done in this short period of time. After that, I'll have a month to prepare for the students' graduation where we showcase our works for prospective employers. The fact that I have given up makes the whole thing seem mundane. I'll still put in some effort for I have hopes of doing this on a freelance basis for now.
This is not the kind of ending that I had hoped for. I had imagined the end as a huge relieve and ecstasy. I am sure it will a huge relieve, but there will be no celebration for job hunting began months ago for me. I tried applying for a teaching position in MOE and ICA. Went for both interviews, alas I will have to face more interviews before I clinch a job.
To quit hoping with slightly more than a month before the day.... well I can say that I gave it a good fight. There were countless times that I gave up the dream but came back hoping shortly after. Holding on the the dream has been taxing to me but I kept holding on for I have learnt in what seemed to me as my previous life. I had learnt in that life that, to lose hope of a dream is to be a walking dead. Lifeless.
Having said that, is this really giving up? No, it's not. It's definitely not losing hope of the rahmat of Allah. The struggles these past years may not have ended me with a dream job in the close future. But, it ended me with a diploma and 2 extra years worth of lesson in patience and perseverance. And for that hope of my dream job.... maybe it'll rise up from the ashes as a phoenix brighter than before.
Life is a journey, not a destination. I am exactly where I am supposed to be now. The following Bon Jovi song sums things up nicely.
I caught James Cameron's Avatar with Remy and Azmi last Sunday.
I probably first stumbled into the term avatar in the computer game series Ultima. Then there was Nickelodeon's anime series Avatar:The Last Airbender/The Legend of Aang which still ranks among the top in books, which is why I was quite irked that some other movie is using the name as its title.
Movies are created to bring you into that world for that short period of time. For some reason I was not able fully immerse myself into the movie... probably because I was still sour of the title of the movie and of course also because of that uncertain road for me in the not so distant future.
(warning spoilers ahead)...
I could feel for the excitement of the wheelchair-bound Jake Sully when he first got a feel of controlling his avatar. To walk again, to run again must certainly be someone wheelchair-bound.
I appreciate the crazy amount of work that must have been spent from the conceptualization stage down till compositing of the final product. Sound design wise, an untrained movie-goer may under-appreciate the importance it plays in the whole. The snarl of the na'vi and the other creatures in the movie
The background sky of the alien planet shows 2 moon which is overly cliche but effective in depicting an alien planet.
Humans needed a breathing device to survive on the planet... but I how on earth... i mean how on pandora was the main character able to light up a fire on that planet if oxygen was not present. Then I tried to rationalize that it's not because of the lack of oxygen.... but rather a presence of a lethal gas that suffocates the humans on that planet. Maybe a different sets of scientific laws are at work. That conveniently make sense of everything.
Should anyone think so hard when watching a movie. No! But why do I torture myself? Partly, it comes from having to be critical to the our own stories as animators. Also because I have a tendency to overcomplicate things.
Overall the movie was pretty awesome. I liked the epic battle part when the good guys were losing. I also like the part where one has to choose between what is just and siding to your own 'kind'. I would not know what I would do if I were put in such a situation.
The twist and turn of life is a never-ending source of amusement. It's the new islamic new year and it's a good time for introspection. In conjunction with the spirit of the momentous hijrah 1431 years ago, let's get rid of the old and in with the new.
My resolve is to rescue rukia... no wait, that's ichigo's resolve. My resolve for this year is to wear my heart on my sleeves more often. I am substituting the overused word resolution to create emphasis and in my opinion, it has a ring of definiteness to it. I also resolve to take care of my health. According to Maslow, one of the criterias of self-actualization is appreciating emotion and react easily to emotions. I have to admit that this is not my strong suit, not that it is a secret since I walk around everywhere with a stoic disposition.
My long absence from blogging has primarily been because of me hiding my struggle with some aspects of my health and the need to keep this blog 'whine-free'. I shall share a little more on this in hope that it will be beneficial to others.
There were 2 shows that I watched this week that speaks of the matter of the heart. Bleach episode 250
Ginrei Kuchiki: When one is granted great power, what is of the utmost importance in mastering it?"
Kouga Kuchicki: What is it?
Ginrei Kuchiki: Your heart. Those who have great power must know how to control their own power. And sometimes be controlled by that power. In order to truly create such a relationship, it is necessary to have a strong heart that keeps you from becoming overconfident. I am well aware of how great your power is, but you still lack the heart to fully master it.
Smallville Season 8 episode 4
Clark: I know she's not the one, but... it got me to thinking. Chloe showed me this love letter she wrote to me years ago, and... her feelings were really intense. And Chloe was right there in front of me, and I never realized how she felt. What if my soul mate comes along and I'm too blind to see it? 48F063E8.JPG
Lois: I don't know, Smallville(this refers to clark kent). I think... that when the right girl walks into your life... you'll know.
Earlier on when I was fetching my sister from school, I stumbled upon my old RSM back when I was with my army unit in national service. I called out his name from far. He acknowledged me with a sense of familiarity. We exchanged formalities and asked one another what we've been up to.
He seemed nice, unlike back then. I suppose one has to put on a 'role' when he is assigned to his task. Being the RSM is akin to being a discipline master of a school. We, the Regimental Police(RP), were akin to prefects that transforms to coolies when needed.
We chatted for a while, then he struck a pose. One which is deep in thought, almost epiphanic. Typical 'drama mama' of him. By the way, he's Indian.
He said, "I can foresee the future...." *LOL* Then he started out dishing out some fatherly advice about how in the future one needs to have at least a diploma. A diploma would only be enough for me to cover myself; would not be enough for family. After which, I would need to continuosly upgrade myself in that particular field.
Then comes the touching part. He opened up that life in the army is hard. Although he has 5 day work week now, he would need to work late nights. He has 4 small children to take care of. He went on to say that by right, he should have been a master warrant officer by now. I took glance on his ampulets, and true enough he was still a 1st Warrant Officer like he was 7 years back(man... how time flies). Hard work does not account to anything if you don't have the qualifications. All you need is the qualification, that's enough to justify a promotion. Pretty sincere sharing on his part. I felt his pain.
He went on to dish out things like I should not get married before I am stable and pointed out the broken marriages than happens when Malay couples get married way too young. He went on to say that I need to be Chinese minded.
I am reminded at how he used to scold the RPs. Our guardroom was 'kampung melayu'. The RPs were all Malays. Don't ask me why... more often than not, it's a common phenomena throughout most military camps in Singapore. We he gets angry with us among his favourite phrase was, "You know why many Malays are lazy?..... because you all eat too many belacan!!"
As Malays, we feel a little offended and hurt, especially when you are at '45-degree-to-the-left-position' when we are at the receiving end of his lecture. But we are quick to dismiss the validity of the argument. Our generation of Malays are not well acquainted with the belacan(prawn paste). We also agree that its just too funny to take it to heart.
That small exchange triggered many things:
1. My educational future 2. My financial future 3. My future ... 4. The fate of my Malay/Muslim community (who to champion the change)
He seemed delighted when I told him that I am pursuing my diploma... that's a start.
All day Staring at the ceiling Making friends with shadows on my wall All night Hearing voices telling me That I should get some sleep Because tomorrow might be good for something Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a Breakdown I don't know why I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Me Talking to myself in public Dodging glances on the train I know I know they've all been talking 'bout me I can hear them whisper And it makes me think there must be something wrong With me Out of all the hours thinking Somehow I've lost my mind I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be I been talking in my sleep Pretty soon they'll come to get me Yeah, they're taking me away I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be Hey, how I used to be How I used to be, yeah Well I'm just a little unwell How I used to be How I used to be
Man has a tendency to focus on what he is deprived from. Be it health or wealth. Partly its built-in to man's survival mechanism. When we injure ourselves, we will feel the pain. Pain is a signal for us to attend to the problem.
Pain, or challenges in life, becomes a problem when we mull over it extensively and starts to engage in self-pity. Being overly optimistic probably can't all that good either if we end up in wishful thinking. So I remind myself not to end up in the either one of the extreme states.
Having said that, my week had been interesting. I was not feeling well for most of the week... always a good opportunity to just let go and reflect.
On a higher note, March and April and the birthday months for everyone in our house except me. 30th March was Nadia's.
I had a conversation with my other siblings, those 21 and above. We were thinking of the presents we had given to our little sisters for the past years. We agreed that the presents we gave were things that we would have wanted when we were smaller.... and we are guilty of playing with the stuffs we gave to our little sisters(buang gian).
I personally find nothing wrong with that as we will be genuinely happy for them!! At the same time, we can teach the value of sharing :p
In the end its not the present that matters, what matters is the time we spend with one another. If a present helps in that process... so be it. As the older one, I see the challenges that my siblings would have to face. My job is to remind them when it's due. I see myself when I was her age in Nadia... and I'll do my best to guide her.
So young yet so stressed out. Kids shouldn't grow up like that. But some of us do... and it's mainly from self-expectation, not from external factors. We want to be perfect. We are the naturally driven types... but we need to have a purpose. For the kid, it could be trying to be the perfect student, trying to be the pride of the parents. It becomes hard when we fail to master the basics of self-expression. When we fall, we fall hard. We might even get our very psychological concept of 'Self' torn apart. When that happens, it's a tough process to recover without the proper intervention.
