Earlier on when I was fetching my sister from school, I stumbled upon my old RSM back when I was with my army unit in national service. I called out his name from far. He acknowledged me with a sense of familiarity. We exchanged formalities and asked one another what we've been up to.
He seemed nice, unlike back then. I suppose one has to put on a 'role' when he is assigned to his task. Being the RSM is akin to being a discipline master of a school. We, the Regimental Police(RP), were akin to prefects that transforms to coolies when needed.
We chatted for a while, then he struck a pose. One which is deep in thought, almost epiphanic. Typical 'drama mama' of him. By the way, he's Indian.
He said, "I can foresee the future...." *LOL* Then he started out dishing out some fatherly advice about how in the future one needs to have at least a diploma. A diploma would only be enough for me to cover myself; would not be enough for family. After which, I would need to continuosly upgrade myself in that particular field.
Then comes the touching part. He opened up that life in the army is hard. Although he has 5 day work week now, he would need to work late nights. He has 4 small children to take care of. He went on to say that by right, he should have been a master warrant officer by now. I took glance on his ampulets, and true enough he was still a 1st Warrant Officer like he was 7 years back(man... how time flies). Hard work does not account to anything if you don't have the qualifications. All you need is the qualification, that's enough to justify a promotion. Pretty sincere sharing on his part. I felt his pain.
He went on to dish out things like I should not get married before I am stable and pointed out the broken marriages than happens when Malay couples get married way too young. He went on to say that I need to be Chinese minded.
I am reminded at how he used to scold the RPs. Our guardroom was 'kampung melayu'. The RPs were all Malays. Don't ask me why... more often than not, it's a common phenomena throughout most military camps in Singapore. We he gets angry with us among his favourite phrase was, "You know why many Malays are lazy?..... because you all eat too many belacan!!"
As Malays, we feel a little offended and hurt, especially when you are at '45-degree-to-the-left-position' when we are at the receiving end of his lecture. But we are quick to dismiss the validity of the argument. Our generation of Malays are not well acquainted with the belacan(prawn paste). We also agree that its just too funny to take it to heart.
That small exchange triggered many things:
1. My educational future 2. My financial future 3. My future ... 4. The fate of my Malay/Muslim community (who to champion the change)
He seemed delighted when I told him that I am pursuing my diploma... that's a start.
I am finally done with Studio Project 4. Here's what the team of 5 people came up with after 3 weeks hard work.
The 3 weeks brought back some of the competitive drive in me. Out of the 3 weeks, I had a 1 and a half day of TOS down time. I had a feel of a cooped up project setting. Just need to physically and mentally prepare myself for the 3 months of FYP next school year.
Alhamdulillah. I will be doing my modules first which means holidays first. I probably wouldn't be able to take it if I were to start my FYP only after a weekend of break.
Dreading the drawing module next semester. I may need to do what I did this semester again. Meticulously planning to skip certain classes to nurse myself back to health. I do this just so that I have better efficiency in the long run to complete the assignments on time. Explaining my real situation the the lecturers only when I have to. Swallowing pride by submitting only what I can.
The coming semester should be easier as there is only one 'killer' module. The other modules would probably be challenging in other ways but the drawing module would definitely be physically taxing for me.
TOS helped me narrow down things to specialize on. :) Drawing and pre-production designs are definitely out. I plan to enjoy my year ahead. Good work and putting my best equates self-satisfaction. I still doubt that I would be able to make this line a career but the experience from SP4 helped tipped the scale a little to the other side.
Man fear the unknown. I fear the future. But it is liberating to accept that some things are just beyond our control. Like what the our future holds for us. I don't mean we should not have goals and not work towards them. We just do what is humanly possibly within the syariah of Allah. Everything else is up to HIM to decide what's best for us.
Anyway, that's what makes life interesting. You wouldn't want your friends telling you the ending of a movie. You would prefer to sit through the movie yourself.
Don't expect to get a different result by doing the same thing over and over again.Don't be like a housefly that keeps hitting against a clear glass. Get around the glass. Learn from your mistakes, and if necessary, get someone who has 'been there done that' to guide you along.
Problems cannot be solved at the same level of consciousness that created them ~ Einstein.Similarly an artist would need to step back from his canvas to ensure that he has the proportions correct. By detaching himself from the painting for a moment, he gets a better overview of his progress. See the big picture.
Share your knowledge.Unlike wealth that decreases through sharing, knowledge grows when you share. I share mine, you share yours. Everyone wins.
Each and every one of us sees the world with our own tinted glasses. There is perceived truth and absolute truth. Each of us have our own perceived sense of truth. Who dictates absolute truth? None other than Allah SWT. We are not left hanging to fight with one another over who is right. Allah shows the right path through the holy books and his Messengers.
Hence, you are doomed if you engage in a debate/discussion with the intention of proving that your point is right. One should engage in a debate/discussion only to find the truth, the absolute truth. Therefore, take off your tinted glasses, let go of your egos and hidden agendas. Instead put on the glasses of tasawwur islam.
--rants-- Unlike the snippet that have been appearing on Star World, where a lawyer is seen saying... truth is relative, choose one that works for you (or something along that line). Obviously a devious statement of a loyar buruk.
I decided not post yet another entry again. Looking back in my posts, there are 40 drafts left unposted since the beginning of this blog.
I really should make better use of my time. But I do enjoy writing even though they remain unposted. I would look up the dictionary online on the meaning of the words which are still vague to me. I would carefully craft my sentences making the words as clear or as vague as I want them to be.
Writing is an outlet when the words seem so hard to come out in real life. Sometimes, the thoughts have to go somewhere. Haven't done poetry for some time... that creative outlet has been expressed through school work, mostly.
Words... stringing them together got me the first place in a composition writing competition back in primary school. Stringing letters together got me the champion spot in a boggle competition back in secondary 3. One of it.
It's a painful irony how words eludes me when I try to speak them.
Pictures have just an interesting an effect on me. We've all heard the saying a picture is worth a thousand words... here's one.
Technology can be wonderful and scary at the same time. I am blogging with my nokia e51. As it is, the phone is underutilised. Hence, me blogging with the phone is a first and painfully slower than a proper keyboard.
I just signed up for wireless sg. Right now i am at the library at sbg. School was 30min instead of 3hr today. Then i had craving for adam rd nasi lemak. Had lunch there and now i am waiting for work to start. I had wanted to get done with concept pitch but creative juices are not flowing.
Surfed my blog and found out i could save the images on my blog onto my phone. Cool. Probably half the internet and 3g world knows that already but its still cool to me.
For some reason, I was grinning from ear to ear when I first saw this clip on Discovery Channel. It gives me a fuzzy kind of feeling and also of hope... and almost too naive. I'm quite a fan of the channel.
Now everybody go... Boom De Ah Dah! Boom De Ah Dah!
13 Rejab 1402H, when Muslims were performing Friday prayers, I came into existence. It's now 13 Rejab 1429H. By calculation of the Hijri calendar, that makes me 27.
I got a missed call today. I didn't pick it up as I was riding. The number was strange but I quickly dismissed the call as a ricochet call from some foreign country.
*****
I got home to find out that my house got the same call from that same number. Nobody answered the call for safety sake. There was a report in Berita Harian of people dying in Indonesia after receiving a mysterious phone call or SMS. It was warning people not to answer calls that has strange prefixes. I have my suspicions to the credibility of the report but it's something I would not entirely dismiss either. Perhaps black magic decided to keep up with times and got an upgrade.
I needed to get the bottom of this and started to browse the web if any of these is true. Some indonesian sites has this to say:
Ketua Majelis Ulama Indonesia (MUI) Sumut Prof DR H Abdullah Syah, MA mengimbau masyarakat tidak mempercayai rumor yang "berbau" syirik tersebut. Menurut dia, rumor tersebut sangat meresahkan dan tidak perlu dipercaya karena dapat merusak akidah (keyakinan) beragama. "Hidup dan mati manusia telah ditentukan Tuhan dan bukan disebabkan karena menerima telepon atau SMS," katanya.
I conclude that the Berita Harian report is very likely a rumour gone wild. If you think about it, it's from a plot of the movies.
Then I decided to google the number : 000190853203. It seems that people have been getting these calls for some time. You can check out the link but in short, its a scam.
The Ring 2
Another incident with phones happened about 2 months back. I was calling a friend over my phone. Out of nowhere, I heard a lady's voice. My friend was no longer on the other side. The lady was saying, "Ouh... sorry". Then she hung up.
I called my friend again. He told me that he got cut off as well and found himself talking to some guy. The incident got me thinking,
"was it just an honest mistake of an operator?" "do we even need operators for our local calls?" "who was really on the other side, who seemed to realise she made a mistake?" "are my calls being tracked?"
Technology made life easy for man. But it also empowers the people who has control of that technology.... and what if that technology falls into the wrong hands and we get exploited.
Am I just being paranoid or is there a genuine need to ensure that technology doesn't fall in the wrong hands. I shall elaborate in later posts.
Sekian lama sudah ku tak memblog. Bukan takde cerita, macam2 cerita.
It's not that I don't want to blog in Malay, but I suppose I want to cater to a wider audience. I shall be blogging in Malay in some of my future posts. Furthermore its Bulan Bahasa.
Apart from an introspective marathon, I went to Terengganu for holiday last month. Went with the whole family as well as my big bro's new family. It was fun on the whole. Learned some things about myself. The only downside of the trip was hurting my little finger(pinkie). That re-triggered a whole new episode to my right arm saga.
And the the final part of the trilogy will continue in the middle of October. I don't know what the outcome will be like. Contemplating too much on it only drains me out. Some things are merely out of our control. As what my secondary Maths teacher would say, "We'll cross the river when we reach the bridge." My Maths teacher loved to quote chinese proverbs. I hope I'm not butchering the language. (eh Fir, engkau bulan bahasa.... bahasa aper?) In principle, that's not how I go about life. I am very much quite the opposite. A tad too much perhaps. Another lesson for me to learn. Don't dwell too much on the future which is never certain.
The cycle of life :- 1) Hope/Vision 2) Effort and sprinke it with doa (without effort, you've fallen into ghurur) 3) Tawakal 4) Syukur if your prayers is answered, redha if u don't get it (but ur effort is never a waste) 5) Repeat step 1
Hope and expectations. That's the ingredient to living. I used to tell myself not to have too high an expectation in life. I learned that lesson cos I got disappointed when my expectations did not materialize. So, I went on life trying not to expect too much from anybody or anything. But, that was my major mistake. Without expectations, my soul died. Without expectations, one becomes a living dead.
I am focusing more on my now. I am currently working as a temp staff at Singapore Botanic Gardens, at times having lunches in the park. It's been great so far. Once in a while, I will imagine what's waiting for me on the other side of the bridge. One thing will be certain though, I will only know for sure when I reach the bridge, and cross it.
Went to Sim Lim Square to get power supply for my computer and also some CD-Rs. I've been wanting to check out the prices of video cameras and decided to do so during this trip to Sim Lim Square. Checking out = Don't wanna buy yet
The first few shops I passed by sells video cameras. And so, I began asking how much the professional video cameras were. I ended up saying that I was looking for something in the thousand plus range. The salesman recommended a HD DV cam. He was saying that the DV cam was superior over the pro cameras since it uses it hard disk instead of tapes. When I asked how much it was, he took out a calculator and typed out 1250.
"What's the deal with salesman and calculators?... just say out the price lar."
He was keen to demonstrate the functions and I played along.
Talking. Demonstrating. Talking. Comparing with other models. Talking. "I give you special price," he said. Took the calculator and entered 1100.
"I give you complete set," With lens and tripod. I began to get tempted... alas, i was just checking out the prices. So I told him that I'll think about it. All these while, I wasn't the one haggling. He was the one who slashed the price. I was merely playing the hesitant buyer.
As I went out of the shop, he said 900. By this time, I was wondering to myself. "This guy is either too desperate or he marked up the price so high that he's able to slash the price by $350 and add stuffs to it."
It's probably a bit of both. I am not the type who would ask for a discount except for certain known places where you are an idiot if you don't do this haggling routine.
It's a common marketing ploy to mark up your prices and set the minimum that you are willing to sell. Of course, still at a profit. I suppose some people enjoy playing the haggling game. I personally find it a tad of an annoyance.
And what's with the calculator?? It's probably yet another ploy so that the haggling game remains between one prospective buyer and the salesman..... therefore not influencing another prospective buyer.
This incident proofs to me that perhaps, haggling is something that I have to engage in(like it or not)..... not because I am crazy for a bargain, but because I wanna get a reasonable deal and not be at the losing end.
I went on to get my power supply and CD-Rs. Before making the payment, with the incident still fresh in my mind... I said, "Can discount?"
I got a $5 discount. I could have pushed my luck and asked for more discount.... but haggling is not my thing.
A secondary school teacher of mine,Mr MacDonald, tried to proof to us that it doesn't take long to write a journal entry. One of things I had to do for class. Basically he played Eric Clapton's Tear's a Heaven. A song he wrote about how his toddler fell down to his death from his apartment. So, we basically go on writing in our journal whatever was flowing in our mind be it in response to the song or not.
This is to the tune of Breaking Benjamin's Sooner or Later
I feeling kinda tired of my own blog. Mainly because it seems to speak a lot of negativity of late. I don't like it that way. Many times, I tried blogging something but got tired to continue and ended up abandoning the idea. Hence the idea of just filling up the blank of this page by the method that I remembered from secondary school.
Probably not going to make much sense reading this randomness. Sooner or later is the title of this song. Speaks a lot about life I suppose. Something happens sooner or later. Later seems more likely for me regarding certain things. Yar... all 3.38min is up.
This blog namesake of an entry is just to state the situation that I am in right now. For eventually, others will find out. 'Biasa jer' itself is somewhat a denial of my current state. It's less of denying my current state but more of 'let's not make a big deal out of it'.
It's no surprise to find out that, not all is well in Firdaus Land if you were able to read in between the lines of my previous entries since last December. What am I talking about?
In the middle of last semester, I found myself unable to do my assignments due to an intense numbing pain on my right hand. Visits to doctors and an EMG later, I found out that the numbness originated from my spine. I was also told to do an MRI just to be sure.
For an animator/designer in training, the prospect seems scary and inspired entries such as this and this. Of course I have to continuously strive to be positive about it like the times such as this and this.
Apart from dealing with the pain, I had to think about my education and my future. I got myself deferred in last semester. I also managed to get an extension to my deferment this semester. Alhamdulillah. This will at least give me time to make a well thought out decision of my future.
Mentally stronger in dealing with the pain. Even the pain is not as bad. I'll have a week more before I get to hear what the doctor has to say. Physiotherapy session at NYP later today.
Such is my unorthodox existence and I shall carry on living it.
The story It began with me waking up with a lingering memory of a dream(the nocturnal, when you got to sleep, REM type) I just had.
In this dream, I was a soldier. I remember vividly attaching a bayonet to my M-16 rifle. The atmosphere was dark and damp. All hell breaks loose kind of situation. I was snooping around and fired my rounds at 3 soldiers. I killed them. They were from my own platoon. But deep inside, I knew they were actually traitors. However, I knew that my superiors and other platoon mates would not believe me if I told them. So, I took matters at my own hands and went rifle frenzy. I riddled my rounds especially on one particular soldier.
After doing so, I felt that I was doomed. I tried to find a way out. I knew I had to return my arms(rifle and ammunition) eventually. I would be questionable of my missing rounds. They would eventually find out that it was my doing; killing those 3 soldiers. After pondering for some time, I felt it was best that I surrendered and serve 2 or 3 years jail time(What!!! 2-3 years for murder!!... it was a dream... remember, doesn't have to make much sense).
That was the dream that I had. I remembered something regarding dreams from Ustaz Iqbal's short sermons. Tafsir on surah Yusuf; still ongoing on Fridays nights after Maghrib(technically Saturday... you know what I mean). He was telling the jemaah(boleh kira dua tangan), a story which reflects Rasulullah's stance on nightmares.
I am going to simplify the story... A woman came to Rasulullah and told him of a dream she had of her husband. She asked Rasulullah what the dream meant. Rasulullah knew it was a bad sign but told the woman that her husband was safe(the husband was musafir at that point). The woman had the dreams over and over again. Every time, she would worry and seek Rasulullah's opinion to the meaning of the dream. Everytime, Rasulullah would reassure her that it was a good sign and her husband was safe. One day, Rasulullah was not home and the woman was again, seeking reassurance of the dream she had. Instead, it was Rasulullah's wife, Aisyah, who attended to the woman. She told her that the dream was a bad sign. The woman was devastated. Soon after, the woman received news that her husband had passed away. [correct me of the details if I'm wrong].
Back to my story, the lesson from this story is that we should not interpret a nightmare lest it will come true.
Apparently knowing is one thing, doing is another. I tried not to interpret the dream. It didn't take me long before I interpret the dream as "I'm going to do something I'll regret." I tried to ignore the feeling and got on with the day.
Soon it was time to send my 6 year-old sister to school on my motorcycle. I had a brief strange feeling but nothing more.
I went home, did some things and it was time to fetch my sister. Going down the stairs to my motorcycle, the sensation that I had earlier in the day grew tremendously. I was starting to feel very uneasy. I was feeling that it was better for me to take the bus instead, but i couldn't as I was running late and I needed to fetch my sister. When I started my motorcycle, I thought to myself, "Maybe, I'll take the bus home with my sister when I get there."
Throughout the journey, I felt uneasy. Reached the mosque(kindergarten in the mosque) to fetch my sister and carried on with my journey. With my sister as the pillion, all I could do was to recite verses. I still felt very uneasy. All these while, I was trying to rationalize the feeling away. I was telling myself that I was just being paranoid.
Strangely, at the same time, I wanted something to happen. I wanted to believe that something will happen. That's why, for the most part, I did not react to the feeling. I wanted to see if something really happens.
I was at the last turn towards home, feeling somewhat disappointed that nothing had happened. And then, there it was. Upon turning, 3 traffic police officers were just there standing around with their ever-so-cool motorbikes. I was flagged to stop... and I did. It not so much the feeling of regret that I had, but I was more at awe at the fact that something actually happened.
Carrying a pillion under the age of 10 is a traffic offence. The first thing I asked was, "Will my license be revoked or something?" Alhamdulillah, I was told that it won't. I was asked to take out my driving(riding) license and IC. The officer had a good look at me. He asked how old my sister was. It took some processing time. I glanced around to fully realize there were 3 of them. The 3 soldiers in the dream. 3 officers = 3 soldiers. That one soldier who got extra bullets from me was the officer who stopped me. In the end, I was slapped with a $100 fine. No demerit points.
He was very professional at doing at what he does. Courteous throughout. I would have gone out of my way to write a letter of commendation...... if he had not booked me.
Not the best of times for me to get fined. Heck, it's never good to get fined.
Some things lost(money), but some things gained(lessons). More than ever, I believe. I believe in that intangible feeling(tahap ainul yaqin kot). There are valuable lessons to learn here. I will pay more attention to these feelings in the future.
From that day on, I've been sending and fetching my sister the old way. With my bike, the type which you need to paddle. It's a good change. Though I have to painfully cycle to and fro, it's actually nothing new to me. I've done that with my other younger siblings, all 3 of them. Fetching and sending them to school with my bicycle.
I'll share more about that intangible feeling and the lessons learnt in future posts. For now, I'll sign off with a disclaimer:
Just know that I felt very safe to pillion my sister on my motorcycle. I took time, cost of travel and pain as a deciding factor. Anyway, it was just 5 minutes of travel on my bike to her school. Taking the bus would cost more and takes more time. Cycling also takes more time and I perceived a lot of pain because of the condition that I am in right now. It turns out that its not so bad if I position my body the right way while cycling.
After a long day, sitting in front of the computer and my arm is feeling tired, I caught myself talking to myself.
Pessimist me: I wonder why I force myself sometimes? Optimist me: Cos you don't want to wallow in self pity. Me: Haha, I'm talking to myself again. (Chuckles to self)
We all probably have played the game snake and ladder at one point of our life. A game of luck... but nonetheless fun. The anticipation of getting to the goal which is determined by the roll of the die.
The pain whenever we land on a mouth of the snake. It especially heart wrenching when you are a couple of steps from the goal, and you get knocked off back to the starting position.
Here's something interesting. I got this from here. Which direction is she spinning? Try making her spin the other way.
click on image to make her dance... blogger can't make her dance
Having troubles.... try to close of one your eyes alternately.
Had fun..... ? Just as some of you can make the figure turn either direction, it seems my life can go any direction from this point in time. Truthfully speaking I don't know which direction is better for me.
Speaking from experience, one thing is certain. I should keep moving just as the figure above keeps spinning. The worst thing I can do now is let the situation paralyze me to a standstill. I shall continue moving forward and praying to be guided to the best path for me.
I try to resist writing long entries because most people would probably just scan through it. Sometimes, I just can't resist.
So... I've been trying to live based on this statement, "To truly grow as an individual, one has to expose himself to new experiences and challenge his own limiting beliefs."
I've been doing okay. This is not something easy for an introvert who feels most comfortable inside his own head. Islam is a social religion. To be a good muslim, I have to change. Learning to interact well with other people would definitely benefit myself and insyaAllah to other people as well.
Albeit still learning, it gets easier trying to get myself to be more out there. Exposing myself to different experiences and people only serves to remind myself I have still a lot to learn.
It's always a humbling experience to be around peers who are more knowlegeable in Islam. At times, even demoralizing, just thinking who am I in the eyes of Allah. It still gets me, only for short while... and I see it as a good thing. I see it as something to motivate me to trudge on.
I am done living in self pity and sticking to the status quo. I wasted a lot of my time on that. Islam has taught me to live today better than I was yesterday. And tomorrow to be better than today. This by itself is a powerful and empowering notion. This drives me to do things with itqan. Doing the best that I can in everything that I do.
Whenever I feel that I am way behind compared to my peers, I think of this notion, suck it up, re-check my ego and move on. In fact, I am grateful to have these people around.
How does one keep track that today is better than yesterday? The way that I do it is by keeping a muhasabah book. Muhasabah means introspection. What I do is I will try to review what I have done during the day and write my thoughts on how I could have done things better as a muslim. I will review what I have written and strive to change for the better when a new day comes. Writing works for me but may not work for others. Maybe you could just think it through after your solat. Perhaps even talk it through with a close friend. Whatever works for you.
Whatever works for you..... What works for me will not necessarily work for you. A major part of living a rewarding life is to understand yourself. It took me a long time for me to understand myself. Life has been changing for the better ever since. The search of self-discovery is unique to every individual, i guess. If there are tips that I can give, it would be back to what I said earlier, expose yourself to new things. Esteem problems can be a killer. It can stop you from trying. Start small, keep track through muhasabah. Get more knowledge of every kind. When you need to, seek help from someone who is qualified to give advice.
There's more drawing to be done but I'm forced to take a break from it all. It's back.... and it's a good sign. The pain in my hand that spreads until the back. I have been drawing overtime for assignments and freelance work.
I haven't suffered from this overdrawing for quite some time. It was a frequent occurrence for me the first year and the half of polytechnic. Those were my super-on days with a 3.9 GPA.
That pain in my hand was among the things that I was thinking about. I was putting lots of effort into my schoolwork. When the pain came, it got me thinking, "What if Allah decided to take the nikmat of the use of my hand and I could not draw for a living?"
That's a scary thought. Will I be ready if that happens to me? Cut things short, that thought and many other thoughts boiled up to one big dilemma and one big question, "What's my next move?" You may want to refer to one of my earliest entries.
I took the whole episode as a lesson to learn, and I am still learning to better myself.
Back to the pain. I have a theory as to how I got it. I could be very wrong but I think I first got it while I was working in the airport as a screener. I think when I placed my hand into the x-ray machine to grab a bag(My job was to screen people and check the luggage before people boarded planes). That's when I remember feeling that same pain for the first time. Again... that's just my theory and maybe I am just being paranoid.
Anyway, I try to see the pain as an old friend who checks up on me once in a while. Especially if I am consumed with work. I shall quote Aldous Huxley who once said, "They intoxicate themselves with work so that they won't see how they really are."
Pure hard work is good. However, some people use work as a drug to numb themselves from the real issues that they really need to tackle. Just something to ponder on. Don't be a sloth either.
I'm feeling kinda stupid right about now, trying to play a game I am totally alien at. It's okay though. Still crashing and burning through life experiences and taking in the lessons along the way. I don't let these things get to me so much now since I value the lessons that I get to learn from them.
It's totally fine to feel stupid once in a while. It lets you feel grounded and not get big headed. Don't watch this if you have better things to do.
