Friday, January 16, 2009
at
1:26 AM
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At times I allow myself to feel this way....
IRIS
Goo Goo Dolls
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
Posted by
Firdaus
Labels:
feelings
Sunday, April 6, 2008
at
11:09 PM
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This happened on 28 March 2008.
The story
It began with me waking up with a lingering memory of a dream(the nocturnal, when you got to sleep, REM type) I just had.
In this dream, I was a soldier. I remember vividly attaching a bayonet to my M-16 rifle. The atmosphere was dark and damp. All hell breaks loose kind of situation. I was snooping around and fired my rounds at 3 soldiers. I killed them. They were from my own platoon. But deep inside, I knew they were actually traitors. However, I knew that my superiors and other platoon mates would not believe me if I told them. So, I took matters at my own hands and went rifle frenzy. I riddled my rounds especially on one particular soldier.
After doing so, I felt that I was doomed. I tried to find a way out. I knew I had to return my arms(rifle and ammunition) eventually. I would be questionable of my missing rounds. They would eventually find out that it was my doing; killing those 3 soldiers. After pondering for some time, I felt it was best that I surrendered and serve 2 or 3 years jail time(What!!! 2-3 years for murder!!... it was a dream... remember, doesn't have to make much sense).
That was the dream that I had. I remembered something regarding dreams from Ustaz Iqbal's short sermons. Tafsir on surah Yusuf; still ongoing on Fridays nights after Maghrib(technically Saturday... you know what I mean). He was telling the jemaah(boleh kira dua tangan), a story which reflects Rasulullah's stance on nightmares.
I am going to simplify the story... A woman came to Rasulullah and told him of a dream she had of her husband. She asked Rasulullah what the dream meant. Rasulullah knew it was a bad sign but told the woman that her husband was safe(the husband was musafir at that point). The woman had the dreams over and over again. Every time, she would worry and seek Rasulullah's opinion to the meaning of the dream. Everytime, Rasulullah would reassure her that it was a good sign and her husband was safe. One day, Rasulullah was not home and the woman was again, seeking reassurance of the dream she had. Instead, it was Rasulullah's wife, Aisyah, who attended to the woman. She told her that the dream was a bad sign. The woman was devastated. Soon after, the woman received news that her husband had passed away. [correct me of the details if I'm wrong].
Back to my story, the lesson from this story is that we should not interpret a nightmare lest it will come true.
Apparently knowing is one thing, doing is another. I tried not to interpret the dream. It didn't take me long before I interpret the dream as "I'm going to do something I'll regret." I tried to ignore the feeling and got on with the day.
Soon it was time to send my 6 year-old sister to school on my motorcycle. I had a brief strange feeling but nothing more.
I went home, did some things and it was time to fetch my sister. Going down the stairs to my motorcycle, the sensation that I had earlier in the day grew tremendously. I was starting to feel very uneasy. I was feeling that it was better for me to take the bus instead, but i couldn't as I was running late and I needed to fetch my sister. When I started my motorcycle, I thought to myself, "Maybe, I'll take the bus home with my sister when I get there."
Throughout the journey, I felt uneasy. Reached the mosque(kindergarten in the mosque) to fetch my sister and carried on with my journey. With my sister as the pillion, all I could do was to recite verses. I still felt very uneasy. All these while, I was trying to rationalize the feeling away. I was telling myself that I was just being paranoid.
Strangely, at the same time, I wanted something to happen. I wanted to believe that something will happen. That's why, for the most part, I did not react to the feeling. I wanted to see if something really happens.
I was at the last turn towards home, feeling somewhat disappointed that nothing had happened. And then, there it was. Upon turning, 3 traffic police officers were just there standing around with their ever-so-cool motorbikes. I was flagged to stop... and I did. It not so much the feeling of regret that I had, but I was more at awe at the fact that something actually happened.
Carrying a pillion under the age of 10 is a traffic offence. The first thing I asked was, "Will my license be revoked or something?" Alhamdulillah, I was told that it won't. I was asked to take out my driving(riding) license and IC. The officer had a good look at me. He asked how old my sister was. It took some processing time. I glanced around to fully realize there were 3 of them. The 3 soldiers in the dream. 3 officers = 3 soldiers. That one soldier who got extra bullets from me was the officer who stopped me. In the end, I was slapped with a $100 fine. No demerit points.
He was very professional at doing at what he does. Courteous throughout. I would have gone out of my way to write a letter of commendation...... if he had not booked me.
Not the best of times for me to get fined. Heck, it's never good to get fined.
Some things lost(money), but some things gained(lessons). More than ever, I believe. I believe in that intangible feeling(tahap ainul yaqin kot). There are valuable lessons to learn here. I will pay more attention to these feelings in the future.
From that day on, I've been sending and fetching my sister the old way. With my bike, the type which you need to paddle. It's a good change. Though I have to painfully cycle to and fro, it's actually nothing new to me. I've done that with my other younger siblings, all 3 of them. Fetching and sending them to school with my bicycle.
I'll share more about that intangible feeling and the lessons learnt in future posts. For now, I'll sign off with a disclaimer:
Just know that I felt very safe to pillion my sister on my motorcycle. I took time, cost of travel and pain as a deciding factor. Anyway, it was just 5 minutes of travel on my bike to her school. Taking the bus would cost more and takes more time. Cycling also takes more time and I perceived a lot of pain because of the condition that I am in right now. It turns out that its not so bad if I position my body the right way while cycling.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
at
8:26 PM
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It's the school holidays for the little kids. It's also typically the season of weddings. A friend of has been saying, "Asyik dapat saman jer, aku pun nak saman orang". I understand the feeling. The 'saman' here is referring to wedding invitation. It's not surprising to be getting the invitations since my peers and I have come to an age where it is suitable to settle down.
The cherry on top of the icing will be my own brother's wedding in a couple of weeks. These got me thinking that marriage is a huge commitment and responsibility for anyone to take. At the same time, it would be nice to have a someone there for you.
I am going to this entry about me and say that I think it would be nice to have someone say the following words to me and really mean it.
Don't let your head rule you heart
Don't let your world be torn apart
Don't keep it all to yourself
Just let all your emotions run free with someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me
I know Its hard when you're feeling down
To lift your feet up off the ground
We make mistakes but doesn't everybody
You don't always have to agree with someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me
We know the story so far (what you want and who you are)
What you want and who you are (Free)
Let all your emotions run free
You don't always have to agree
With someone like me
That's the way it should be
Someone like me
Someone like me
On a side note, I feel guilty to long for such a thing when I am still dealing with the anxiety of 2 posts ago. Confusing times.
Posted by
Firdaus
Labels:
feelings
Sunday, November 4, 2007
at
9:25 AM
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Most of the times, I feel that the problems I face in my life are so much bigger than everyone else's. But seriously, who am I kidding?
Posted by
Firdaus
Labels:
feelings,
thoughts
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
at
6:26 PM
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Stringing words into sentences is a magical thing. It's amazing how scribblings on a piece of paper is able to convey a message, an emotion. Stringing words into lyrics of a song and poems is an art in itself. Whether or not the outcome becomes a positive influence to others is another question.
Writing a piece of poetry on a piece of paper is like blogging. It is making a statement from within the self and becomes engraved on paper or cyberspace for other beings to see. Like blogging, it is a form of expression. It is like saying,"Been there done that, so judge me.... i don't care."
'i don't care' is in red because this is not true most of the times. What it is really shouting for is for the connection with a fellow human being. It is like saying, "I am human too.... you know what I'm saying."
What makes a particular song, a painting, a photograph or a piece of poetry so endearing? It is because they are able to capture the emotion at that particular moment and make that connection with the person listening to the song or appreciating that piece of art. At times, the real emotion the creator expressed is not what you experience when you appreciate that piece of work. And it doesn't matter.
So here's a piece of carefully selected of poetry I wrote. Carefully selected because it is only as much that I am willing to risk exposing while quietly wishing to make a connection with whoever will be reading it.
Hope
I hope that life is better
When tomorrow comes
I would plan and plan
But the results don't come out
I wonder why my life sucks
But all I could do is sigh
I've tried and I still try
To make things work
But it's still the same
No matter the work
I always try to have happy thoughts
Like the way I felt the day I fell in love*
Just when I thought I was about to fly
Reality slaps hard on my face
I hope and I hope that there will be hope
For those who hope just to cope
18 June 1999
* love here simply means the crushes that i had, nothing more
I can't believe that I am telling the world that I used to write poems. Think of it more as songwriting or whatever. It will seem cooler that way. These are very rap worthy. Try rapping it out.
Posted by
Firdaus
Labels:
feelings
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