Tuesday, July 24, 2007
at
10:45 AM
|
This is going to be a novel length entry. I had another one of my internal conversation with myself. There were many times that I would want to just have this written down. About my past. About my feelings. About the things that I am dealing with. My logical side would get in the way and say stop. This time, it will happen on this page.
Whatever everyone thinks about me after this, so be it. It will be burden lifted off my shoulders after so long. I am done hiding. Whatever it is, I know I can always turn to Allah.
I am socially naive. I don't understand the meaning of friendship. I am only beginning to try and understand the meaning of friendship. This is spurred by my involvement with nypms(n) so far. My interaction with fellow members.
It has been a very long journey for myself to finally come to this. Growing up, I feel very different from the other kids. I kept mostly to myself. In my teens I began reading a lot of psychology books to find out what was wrong with me. But with just theories and no actual confidence to do the things that I needed to do, I was helpless. But still, I truly believe that when I overcome my social aspect of my life I could do anything I put my mind into.
I AM REPEATING ONE YEAR OF MY POLYTECHNIC!!!!!
How did this happen?
A number of things eventually led me to this situation. Life as I knew it went on hold. I put my academics aside and got back to books again to sort myself out.
I was obliviously living my life in status quo when 3 particular things got me thinking about my life at a deeper level.
1 - One of them was my brother's engagement. I am happy for them but it got me thinking about my almost non-existent social life. I am only one year younger than him and I want to settle down and start a family too. I only have a number of friends. I hardly even begin to open up the truth about me with them. How could I expect to spend the rest of my life with someone if I do not even know how to share my thoughts and feelings. I knew I was in a mess and I could not continue my life that way.
2 - Another thing that got me thinking is NYPMS itself. It was time that the old committee leave the responsibility to the remaining members. I was very certain that I was going to be left in charge. I did not want to the one who kills the legacy. I was contemplating if I was ready to accept the responsibility or just let go and go back to my so called life. I am thankful that I made the harder choice.
3 - The last thing that got me thinking was the same question that I asked myself even before I entered the course that I am taking. The career prospect of what I am doing. More importantly Islam's view of what I am doing. What is Islam's view on drawing life objects, animation for that matter.
1) This particular event sparked me to re-think about myself. My social life. The way that I was living. The fact that deep inside, I was not happy. I was unsatisfied with the life that I was living. I was for the most part, lonely.
As an INTJ :
May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others.
Like I said, I turned to books for answers. A particular book gave me hope. The title of the book is Introverted Advantage. I have always seen myself an introvert. I have labeled myself as one. My mistake was in the definition of introvert. I thought I was incapable of social life. What the book taught me was that, in reality, being an introvert means that I get re-charged when I do introverted activities. Extroverted activities drains me out. Just try to understand if I need to disappear sometimes.
This does not mean that I value socializing any less, just more tiring for me. Why? It's because I need to process every bit of information that I get in my head. I cannot simply take things at a surface kind of level.
2) This fact triggered my fight or flight response.
INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.
As a muslim, I see a purpose in NYPMS. If there were no one else to take up the position, I would have to take it. It is weird how the things that I learn in my PERGAS class and other places seemed to reflect the situation that I was facing at the time. I was learning how Sayidina Abu Bakar humbly took the place as a khalifah. His first speech as a khalifah is something that all muslims should abide to as leaders.
Reading Dale Carnegie's The Leader in You also helped to inspire and prepare myself for the position. Books can help but doing it is another thing. That's what I learned from the school counsellor.
With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for problems in their own lives.
The things I was facing was too much for me to absorb. Just talking things out helped me sort out things that I had to do. She helped me see a couple of points that I did not see about me. I stopped blaming everyone else for the situation that I was in. There is no shame in asking for help. Ultimately no one can help you before you want to help yourself. I was done by the second session.
3) Education wise, first year was excellent. I loved the prospect of school after not going to one after so long. I gave it my all, time and work for my studies. I put a lot of time in my school work.
INTJs are perfectionists.
That explains why I gave my all when I believed that it will be worthwhile. However, after some time, I felt that the amount of work that I put in was not worth the results that it reaped. Firstly, this was because I was not working smart. I was not sharing knowledge with people due to my non-social nature. It became harder for me compared to those who worked smart and were naturally more talented. That struggle towards perfection drained me and made me put myself in the future. What kind of a muslim will I be if I spend the majority of my time with work. I just felt something was wrong with the picture.
It did not help that I chose animation as the focus in year 2 instead of interactive media which I had set my mind to before entering the course. Drawing living images is an act scorned by Allah.
"And it is very possible that you dislike something whereas it is good for you; and (similarly) it is very possible that you like something whereas it is bad for you". (Baqarah 16)
This does not mean I won't be tempted to.... a'uzubillamin dzalik.
In conclusion, my life has been pretty messed up. I take comfort that I am doing my best to improve myself as a muslim. Another book that helped me a lot through this period was Laa Tahzan. It helped complete my understanding of mardhatillah. As it is, I am reformulating the important things in my life. I take the things that I went through as a training stage. The things that I have learnt can be put in use in one way or another.
I am taking off my armour revealing the bruises and scars from the past emotional battles.... i am finally free of the weight of the armour.
I am putting everything on the line by letting all these out of my chest. It will be very interesting to see how people react. If this were to jeopardize my place in NYPMS, I will gladly accept the outcome for I know there are people who can take my place. I don't expect everyone to understand me, for I myself, have only began to understand the mystery of being me.
With that all said and done, I ask that we all take a moment to realise that we are all different. We will be tested by Allah in different ways. In life, we are given different sets of test papers. We are also given the will of choice. It's what we make of the choice that will eventually make us who we are in the eyes of Allah. Don't see me as who I was, see me as who I can be.
Whatever everyone thinks about me after this, so be it. It will be burden lifted off my shoulders after so long. I am done hiding. Whatever it is, I know I can always turn to Allah.
I am socially naive. I don't understand the meaning of friendship. I am only beginning to try and understand the meaning of friendship. This is spurred by my involvement with nypms(n) so far. My interaction with fellow members.
It has been a very long journey for myself to finally come to this. Growing up, I feel very different from the other kids. I kept mostly to myself. In my teens I began reading a lot of psychology books to find out what was wrong with me. But with just theories and no actual confidence to do the things that I needed to do, I was helpless. But still, I truly believe that when I overcome my social aspect of my life I could do anything I put my mind into.
I AM REPEATING ONE YEAR OF MY POLYTECHNIC!!!!!
How did this happen?
A number of things eventually led me to this situation. Life as I knew it went on hold. I put my academics aside and got back to books again to sort myself out.
I was obliviously living my life in status quo when 3 particular things got me thinking about my life at a deeper level.
1 - One of them was my brother's engagement. I am happy for them but it got me thinking about my almost non-existent social life. I am only one year younger than him and I want to settle down and start a family too. I only have a number of friends. I hardly even begin to open up the truth about me with them. How could I expect to spend the rest of my life with someone if I do not even know how to share my thoughts and feelings. I knew I was in a mess and I could not continue my life that way.
2 - Another thing that got me thinking is NYPMS itself. It was time that the old committee leave the responsibility to the remaining members. I was very certain that I was going to be left in charge. I did not want to the one who kills the legacy. I was contemplating if I was ready to accept the responsibility or just let go and go back to my so called life. I am thankful that I made the harder choice.
3 - The last thing that got me thinking was the same question that I asked myself even before I entered the course that I am taking. The career prospect of what I am doing. More importantly Islam's view of what I am doing. What is Islam's view on drawing life objects, animation for that matter.
1) This particular event sparked me to re-think about myself. My social life. The way that I was living. The fact that deep inside, I was not happy. I was unsatisfied with the life that I was living. I was for the most part, lonely.
As an INTJ :
May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others.
Like I said, I turned to books for answers. A particular book gave me hope. The title of the book is Introverted Advantage. I have always seen myself an introvert. I have labeled myself as one. My mistake was in the definition of introvert. I thought I was incapable of social life. What the book taught me was that, in reality, being an introvert means that I get re-charged when I do introverted activities. Extroverted activities drains me out. Just try to understand if I need to disappear sometimes.
This does not mean that I value socializing any less, just more tiring for me. Why? It's because I need to process every bit of information that I get in my head. I cannot simply take things at a surface kind of level.
2) This fact triggered my fight or flight response.
INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.
As a muslim, I see a purpose in NYPMS. If there were no one else to take up the position, I would have to take it. It is weird how the things that I learn in my PERGAS class and other places seemed to reflect the situation that I was facing at the time. I was learning how Sayidina Abu Bakar humbly took the place as a khalifah. His first speech as a khalifah is something that all muslims should abide to as leaders.
Reading Dale Carnegie's The Leader in You also helped to inspire and prepare myself for the position. Books can help but doing it is another thing. That's what I learned from the school counsellor.
With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for problems in their own lives.
The things I was facing was too much for me to absorb. Just talking things out helped me sort out things that I had to do. She helped me see a couple of points that I did not see about me. I stopped blaming everyone else for the situation that I was in. There is no shame in asking for help. Ultimately no one can help you before you want to help yourself. I was done by the second session.
3) Education wise, first year was excellent. I loved the prospect of school after not going to one after so long. I gave it my all, time and work for my studies. I put a lot of time in my school work.
INTJs are perfectionists.
That explains why I gave my all when I believed that it will be worthwhile. However, after some time, I felt that the amount of work that I put in was not worth the results that it reaped. Firstly, this was because I was not working smart. I was not sharing knowledge with people due to my non-social nature. It became harder for me compared to those who worked smart and were naturally more talented. That struggle towards perfection drained me and made me put myself in the future. What kind of a muslim will I be if I spend the majority of my time with work. I just felt something was wrong with the picture.
It did not help that I chose animation as the focus in year 2 instead of interactive media which I had set my mind to before entering the course. Drawing living images is an act scorned by Allah.
On the authority of Ibn `Abbas (ra) it is reported that he heard the Messenger of Allah say:
"Every picture maker is in the Fire. A soul will be placed in every picture made by him and it will punish him in the Hell-fire." (Narrated by Bukhari and Muslim)
On the authority of `A`ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) it is reported that the Messenger of Allah said:
From the exhaustive research that I did on hadiths regarding this matter, I conclude that it is only permissible if the animation, comic or whatever is meant for children. Even with this tiny 'loophole', it means that I could never be the best at what I do. It sucks. It's a bitter pill to bite but I'd rather be on the safe side. This is something that I would be doing for the rest of my life.
"The most severely punished of people on the Day of Resurrection will be those who try to make the like of Allah's creation." (Narrated by Bukhari and Muslim)
"And it is very possible that you dislike something whereas it is good for you; and (similarly) it is very possible that you like something whereas it is bad for you". (Baqarah 16)
This does not mean I won't be tempted to.... a'uzubillamin dzalik.
In conclusion, my life has been pretty messed up. I take comfort that I am doing my best to improve myself as a muslim. Another book that helped me a lot through this period was Laa Tahzan. It helped complete my understanding of mardhatillah. As it is, I am reformulating the important things in my life. I take the things that I went through as a training stage. The things that I have learnt can be put in use in one way or another.
I am taking off my armour revealing the bruises and scars from the past emotional battles.... i am finally free of the weight of the armour.
I am putting everything on the line by letting all these out of my chest. It will be very interesting to see how people react. If this were to jeopardize my place in NYPMS, I will gladly accept the outcome for I know there are people who can take my place. I don't expect everyone to understand me, for I myself, have only began to understand the mystery of being me.
With that all said and done, I ask that we all take a moment to realise that we are all different. We will be tested by Allah in different ways. In life, we are given different sets of test papers. We are also given the will of choice. It's what we make of the choice that will eventually make us who we are in the eyes of Allah. Don't see me as who I was, see me as who I can be.
Posted by
Firdaus
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